and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
