so that wasnt chicken after all
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
