At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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