Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
