I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We need to get me chipped asap
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
