3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it's great music for shaving your balls
Are we still banned from the library?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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