Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
