did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
