Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
