I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
