saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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