So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
