I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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