He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
