If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
