I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
