Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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