I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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