you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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