they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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