if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
