I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
