my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
