The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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