I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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