I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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