a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
