i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
