i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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