so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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