Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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