Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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