Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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