I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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