I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
