I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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