My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
