He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
