I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm jealous of your bromance
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
