I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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