I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
