I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
