i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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