stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
