Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
