his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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