3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
