Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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