Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
