I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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