We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
