Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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