I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
