Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
