That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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