I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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